Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Choices.

I always said that I wanted them (but not yet). He said no. We broke up because of it.
We got back together. I said I wanted them (but not yet). He said maybe.

Later on that maybe turned to a 'if it happens it happens'. No pill, no condoms, but no baby.

A friend told me that if you haven't been using anything and you don't fall pregnant within a year then somethings not right.

Then, all my medical shit happened. No period, But no double line. A period for three weeks. A week off, then seriously heavy bleeding, like I had be stabbed.

A D&C for a pollip that wasn't there.

A follow-up. No period for three months. No pregnancy but all blood tests come back fine.

Two months after that a period. But every two weeks. Last night, (boys you can look away now) a horrible bleeding nightmare in the middle of my combat class.

Today, the doctor.

'You have to make a choice. I can put you on the pill to get rid of your irregular bleeding, but this means no kids. Or I send you to fertility treatments, because you haven't fallen pregnant which means you need some help. You're 29. Your fertility is starting to decline anyway. It's wierd that you haven't gotten pregnant. You need to go home and talk to your partner - decide what you want to do'.

More blood tests tomorrow, then once they get back I have to tell her my choice.

I can't make it.

I never thought I would have to make a decision like this. I think I want them, but I like our life. But I look at friends kids and I think 'yes!'. But I go home, and I write and trade and work and play and I think 'not yet.'

fuck.

Countdown to weigh in: 2 days

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