Friday, June 22, 2012

mm eye candy.

I never thought I'd say this but its 9pm Friday night, and I'm off to the gym. See you on the other side of the workout :)

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Do you set yourself up to fail?

I've been thinking a bit about excuses and reasoning the last couple of days. I guess some of what the trainer said is still floating round my brain. Do you know (and you won't), every two to three years I start some form of diet/exercise (sometimes one, sometimes the other, hardly every both at the same time) plan? I have spent probably thousands of dollars on Jenny Craig, Weight Watchers, personal trainers, gym memberships and I've never gotten to where I wanted to go. Because deep down I don't think I really wanted it. It's so easy to eat whatever the heck you want. It's easy to not go to the gym, or a walk, or pop in a dvd and do a workout. It's easier to stay the way you are then to change.

If you work for something, don't you value it more?

The trainer said to me that exercise should at least include something fun. Something that you love - so its sustainable. I'm going to try a few different classes to figure out what that could be. As much as I love dancing, I prefer to do it in the comfort of my own home - but there's a boxing gym around the corner, so I might investigate that; and I'm going to hit up an aquasize class for something different as well - although its flippen freezing in Christchurch, I think we're going to have one of those really awfully cold winters - we've already had snow once this year and that's not normal.

The other thing I'm going to do is set myself up to succeed. Not fail. See I am guilty of self sabotage. I would work out hard core at the gym and then completely fail on the eating. So I'd lose ten kilos and then it would stop. And I'd give up, because you see, I'd tried, but it hadn't worked - so therefore it must be impossible. I'd say to myself, well it must be because I have pcos. It must be that I'm MEANT to be this size. And that is also bullshit. Yes it's harder to lose weight - but I already have so it is possible, its just going to take longer. And that's another sabotage right there. I cannot do this over three months, or six months, or maybe even a year. It may take me up to two years to get my body where it needs to be. It might even take three. And I need to accept that. And celebrate every small change.

Those scales are not a true reflection of where my body is at. I need to look at measurements and the size clothes I wear as well. Because while the scales might not show a massive loss, I know I'm wearing clothes two sizes smaller than what I was before. I'm developing a shape. What that shape might turn into when this is all over I'm not sure yet. The trainer also asked me what sort of figures I admire, I love curvy bodies, but I'd also like some muscle definition - so the end result could be interesting, given I've been overweight for most of my adult life and I can't imagine what shape is under all the lard. But I guess we'll find out eventually.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Facing the hard truths.

Today I saw a personal trainer at the gym I joined last week. Yup I joined a gym.

I used to love going years ago, the classes, the people and I had no issues going on my own. Last week at the new gym, I went three times on my own, but the second time (last Tuesday night) I really struggled to get out of the car and inside the door and ended up having to call my mum to pep talk me through it. Something in my head just freaked out and I was worried about not being able to go on the machine I wanted to go on - but there's other machines I can do - yet my brain was adamant, that it was the treadmill or nothing and it looked (judging by the cars in the carpark) like there were loads of people in there and that I should just drive home and make something up to Andrew (like I got my period so I had to come home) to get out of going.

Thanks to my mum (who pretty much told me I was being ridiculous, and that I could use a bike, cross trainer, or rowing machine if there were people on all the treadmills) I managed to get out of the car and inside the door. And once I was inside, I was fine. The treadmill was available and so were the many other options I could do instead.

The head part of this journey is really killing me at the moment. I was scared that people would look at me at the gym; because clearly I AM THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE OF EVERYONE EVER. I know that's not true, that people are there to work out and they don't focus on anyone else, but my brain just wouldn't step over that hurdle.

Today, with the trainer, I spent the entire hour bawling my eyes out. She made me face some truths about myself, that I set myself goals that will fail, so I can give up while saying 'I tried and it didn't work'. She made me realise that I mock myself and make jokes to hide the fact that I don't really like what I see in the mirror. I hide behind my weight. And I need to let it all go.

My goal from her this week is every time I see myself in a mirror, I have to tell myself three positive things about myself. And I know it will be hard to start and I might struggle, coming up with things, but I'm going to do it. Although I might avoid the bathroom tonight given I've been crying on and off for the last two hours. Okay that part was a joke, I will go in the bathroom before I go to bed tonight and compliment myself. You should too.

Monday, June 04, 2012

Monday. Day one.

So it's rolled around again, day one of the 12wbt. So far I've already it the gym (treadmill hill climbing - 417 calories), drank 1/4 of my water, and had breakfast. I'm about to hit the shower but I think I feel an afternoon nap coming on...

Weirdly enough I was just trying to figure out when I would hit the gym tomorrow, and then I saw this. I think I'll do weights in the morning at home with a dvd workout, then maybe after dinner tomorrow night go for the treadmill again. With my gym membership I do get a one hour free PT session, so I should really text her today and figure that out as well. I was thinking I should probably do that every six weeks or so, and get the gym to track my progress as well. Then I'm accountable in a lot of places.