Today I saw a personal trainer at the gym I joined last week. Yup I joined a gym.
I used to love going years ago, the classes, the people and I had no issues going on my own. Last week at the new gym, I went three times on my own, but the second time (last Tuesday night) I really struggled to get out of the car and inside the door and ended up having to call my mum to pep talk me through it. Something in my head just freaked out and I was worried about not being able to go on the machine I wanted to go on - but there's other machines I can do - yet my brain was adamant, that it was the treadmill or nothing and it looked (judging by the cars in the carpark) like there were loads of people in there and that I should just drive home and make something up to Andrew (like I got my period so I had to come home) to get out of going.
Thanks to my mum (who pretty much told me I was being ridiculous, and that I could use a bike, cross trainer, or rowing machine if there were people on all the treadmills) I managed to get out of the car and inside the door. And once I was inside, I was fine. The treadmill was available and so were the many other options I could do instead.
The head part of this journey is really killing me at the moment. I was scared that people would look at me at the gym; because clearly I AM THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE OF EVERYONE EVER. I know that's not true, that people are there to work out and they don't focus on anyone else, but my brain just wouldn't step over that hurdle.
Today, with the trainer, I spent the entire hour bawling my eyes out. She made me face some truths about myself, that I set myself goals that will fail, so I can give up while saying 'I tried and it didn't work'. She made me realise that I mock myself and make jokes to hide the fact that I don't really like what I see in the mirror. I hide behind my weight. And I need to let it all go.
My goal from her this week is every time I see myself in a mirror, I have to tell myself three positive things about myself. And I know it will be hard to start and I might struggle, coming up with things, but I'm going to do it. Although I might avoid the bathroom tonight given I've been crying on and off for the last two hours. Okay that part was a joke, I will go in the bathroom before I go to bed tonight and compliment myself. You should too.