Monday - Week Eight

It seems crazy that the time is just flying by on this programme. I think people finally get it when I say 'It's not a diet, it is how normal people eat'. I (mostly) keep to my 1200 calorie limit, and I (try to) exercise 6 days a week. I track everything that goes into my mouth, including the sneaky bit of cake I ate today when I was feeling stressed. So my habits aren't perfect - and I don't expect to be perfect all the time. But I have learnt that if I eat that bit of cake, I need to account for it - by tracking the calories; and work it off - by exercising.

Given that I don't really feel like paying for a gym membership while we are trying to save as much money as we can for our honeymoon in March; I mostly work out using dvd's. Currently my favourite is Billy Blanks SOS (Sweat off the sizes); followed by Jillian Michaels 30 day shred. On Sunday I did both in a row, worked out for over an hour and burnt 400 calories. Today I just did 30 day shred and burnt 175.

I also use The Biggest Loser workouts (Bob makes me smile), and sometimes I do Jackie's Power Circuit, but she kind of scares me.

I forgot how much I like to feel the burn. The next day, even though I groan about sore muscles - I like it because I know it means something is happening. Same with sweat. As gross as it seems, feeling it running down your neck/in your hair, on your palms as you push another set through really makes me feel like I am achieving something.

My mum commented the other day on how I was looking good - and workmates have commented on my body changing. I can sort of see it but not really. On the 12wbt message boards someone posted they felt like they hadn't achieved much - but then decided to take photos to compare to the pre-season pics. She posted the pic of her back - then and now - and you could see the change. I think I might have to do the same thing. Although it won't be for public consumption  - I still find my body pretty horrifying - and I'm shocked at myself for not realising before how fat I had become. I mean, I know I have mirrors and could see by my clothing sizes, but its not the same when you are confronted with it - working through the issues that made me that way in the first place and admitting things to yourself that you haven't been able to - like my binge and emotional eating.

I feel like I have come a long way (baby), but I do have a long way to go. Fingers crossed I smash that 10 kilo goal on Wednesday, and then my next target is 10% of my body weight. Obviously if you are mathematical you can probably figure out how much I weigh(ed), but if you really want to know, just ask. I am proud of what I have achieved so far.

See you Wednesday!

It's monday again!

It's week four! 

No red bull, no fat coke, no takeaway foods (pizza hut, kfc and mcdonalds), and I'm not really missing it. Well maybe the fat coke - I've had a craving for that for the last three days, but I'm sure it will pass. It's in my head - and I just need to let it escape out. Maybe if I am still craving it by Friday I might have half a can. But thats it. No more. Because sometimes I think if you still want something several days after having it in your head, you're better to have a small slice/drink of it, then to deny and then binge on it.

Binging is something I am very prone to doing. And I keep it a secret. So my telling the blog that I do it, it lets it out into the open and maybe it will help me stop. And maybe if you binge in secret it will help you too. 

You see back before I started the programme, I would do the grocery shopping and buy chips, biscuits and chocolate, and by the time Andrew got home from skiing, work or where-ever (because I would only do it when he wasn't around) it would all be gone. And I would hide the evidence. An entire block of chocolate, a whole packet of biscuits, a large tube of pringles. All of it. And sometimes more. Like going to the bakery and buying enough food for what I thought would look like two people and eating all of it myself. 

Reality check now, what I thought could feed two, could probably feed four.

And that's no way to live.

Two chocolate bars, instead of one. Large combo. Upsize me. Give me an extra piece of chicken. I'd like one fish, one hotdog, one scoop of chips and a donut and a can of coke. Two sausage rolls, a custard square and a piece of caramel chocolate slice and a can of coke. An entire pizza, plus chicken on the side, and chips and a dessert and a can of coke.

No wonder I felt sick all the time.

No wonder I would lie in bed with stomach ache.

So, wishing for weight loss when you secretly binge eat, is really not going to happen.

Owning up to this behaviour is fucking scary. But hey, you knew I was fat (surely you noticed) and you must of seen me sometimes overeat. I would of said something like 'Oh I'll save this chocolate for later' but I reckon you noticed me eating it and just didn't want to say anything.

Thanks for letting me pretend. 

But don't let me do it any more.